Celebrating life being different for our daughters at 40 than it was for many of us.
My oldest daughter turned 40 this week. At one point in the celebration, her closest friends and sisters were sharing what she meant to each one of them and what an impact she has had in their lives. While I listened to them share story after story of how she has used her God given gifts to bless each one of them, my heart was full. In that same moment, I flashed back to my own journey and I was surprised at what came to the surface unexpectedly.
My two daughters and daughter in law were all sitting next to each other around the beautifully set table. I looked at them and thought, “wow. They are all thriving in their work life and home life. They are where they’re supposed to be and there is no glass ceiling holding them back.” Then, I flashed to the clear memory I hold from years ago, when I was in an organization that stifled women and restricted their gifts and pay. My girls were in their early teen years when I started realizing that they were strong, gifted women. I realized that in the work I did they would not be able to go and grow as far they could and give to the world all that God had created them to give.
I had never been a feminist, in fact I ignorantly judged what the original intent of feminism even was. I started having unwelcome thoughts about equal pay for equal work. I was leading a large ministry of women working over 40 hours per week. I was making less than half of the men on our staff who worked the same. Yes, some had more education (but less experience); but not all. This was not a battle I wanted to enter and I avoided it for a long time. But, the injustice of it wouldn’t leave me alone as I looked at my daughters and wondered how this looked to them. How this example would help or hinder their futures.
I wasn’t angry, I was scared. I hate conflict and I truly loved what I did and received a lot of affirmation in it. But, it finally came to the point where I knew I needed to approach the board and express my thoughts. As I entered the board room of twelve men (mostly 10+ years older than me at the time), I was very nervous. I prepared my concerns thoughtfully and simply read it to them. I can’t remember it all, but two things stand out which I brought up for discussion that evening.
I asked two simple questions of them:
1. Is what I am doing in alignment with what you believe a woman should be doing?
2. Would any of you do what I do for what I am getting paid?
I was functioning like a pastor (counseling, teaching, shepherding etc.) in an organization that believed women can’t have that role. Although I didn’t hold the title, I held the responsibilities. I outlined for them what I typically did in a week. They actually told me I ‘function like a pastor.’
It was silent for several moments, and then one leader asked, “Grace, are you asking about equal pay for equal work?” I slowly responded, “I guess I am.”
More silence, and then the leader of the team who I love and respect greatly, turned to me and gently asked, “Grace, do you associate how much we pay you with how much we appreciate you?” I looked at him and quietly asked, “do you?”
There is a lot more to this story, but that was the beginning of the end for me there. I started studying Scripture and reading interpretations outside of the stream I was entrenched in. My eyes and heart were opened to consider other very valid views and the emotions I was feeling were valid. I started having thoughts like, “what if my sister in law (who has saved countless lives around the world), was told she could’t be a doctor because she is a woman? What if my cousin who is an amazing teacher was told she couldn’t teach? What if Corrie Ten Boom (one of my heroes) was told she couldn’t teach men and women about the Biblical call to forgive? I started reading about incredible women throughout history who impacted their worlds for the Kingdom of God.
I started studying the women in the Bible who excelled in ministry and the way Jesus Himself brought women forward, even to the point of asking a woman to be the first to tell the disciples about HIs resurrection. What if my own daughters, nieces, and their friends were told they could only fly so high because they are women? As I looked around the birthday celebration table, I was in awe of the group that was gathered. Strong, inspiring, committed, loving women who are breathing life into this world with full freedom and joy. From lawyers, to stay at home moms, they are thriving! Many of them gave Vali credit for encouraging them along the way to do what they feel called to do without fear. It was a special night.
Leaving the staff, the church, the ‘family’ that I had been a part of for close to 30 years was very painful and lonely. I have a few scars from trying to break through that glass ceiling. It still stings at times. But, looking around the room that night and seeing the joy on the faces of the next generation as they love God and walk out their path gave me a sense of peace and confirmation that the way I chose to follow was the right one for me and mine.
