Forty and Flying Free!

Celebrating life being different for our daughters at 40 than it was for many of us.

My oldest daughter turned 40 this week. At one point in the celebration, her closest friends and sisters were sharing what she meant to each one of them and what an impact she has had in their lives. While I listened to them share story after story of how she has used her God given gifts to bless each one of them, my heart was full. In that same moment, I flashed back to my own journey and I was surprised at what came to the surface unexpectedly. 

My two daughters and daughter in law were all sitting next to each other around the beautifully set table. I looked at them and thought, “wow. They are all thriving in their work life and home life. They are where they’re supposed to be and there is no glass ceiling holding them back.” Then, I flashed to the clear memory I hold  from years ago, when I was in an organization that stifled women and restricted their gifts and pay. My girls were in their early teen years when I started realizing that they were strong, gifted women. I realized that in the work I did they would not be able to go and grow as far they could and give to the world all that God had created them to give. 

I had never been a feminist, in fact I ignorantly judged what the original intent of feminism even was. I started having unwelcome thoughts about equal pay for equal work. I was leading a large ministry of women working over 40 hours per week. I was making less than half of the men on our staff who worked the same. Yes, some had more education (but less experience); but not all. This was not a battle I wanted to enter and I avoided it for a long time. But, the injustice of it wouldn’t leave me alone as I looked at my daughters and wondered how this looked to them. How this example would help or hinder their futures. 

I wasn’t angry, I was scared. I hate conflict and I truly loved what I did and received a lot of affirmation in it. But, it finally came to the point where I knew I needed to approach the board and express my thoughts. As I entered the board room of twelve men (mostly 10+ years older than me at the time), I was very nervous. I prepared my concerns thoughtfully and simply read it to them. I can’t remember it all, but two things stand out which I brought up for discussion that evening. 

I asked two simple questions of them:

1. Is what I am doing in alignment with what you believe a woman should be doing?

2. Would any of you do what I do for what I am getting paid?

I was functioning like a pastor (counseling, teaching, shepherding etc.) in an organization that believed women can’t have that role. Although I didn’t hold the title, I held the responsibilities. I outlined for them what I typically did in a week. They actually told me I ‘function like a pastor.’ 

It was silent for several moments, and then one leader asked, “Grace, are you asking about equal pay for equal work?”  I slowly responded, “I guess I am.”

More silence, and then the leader of the team who I love and respect greatly, turned to me and gently asked, “Grace, do you associate how much we pay you with how much we appreciate you?” I looked at him and quietly asked, “do you?”

There is a lot more to this story, but that was the beginning of the end for me there. I started studying Scripture and reading interpretations outside of the stream I was entrenched in. My eyes and heart were opened to consider other very valid views and the emotions I was feeling were valid. I started having thoughts like, “what if my sister in law (who has saved countless lives around the world), was told she could’t be a doctor because she is a woman? What if my cousin who is an amazing teacher was told she couldn’t teach? What if Corrie Ten Boom (one of my heroes) was told she couldn’t teach men and women about the Biblical call to forgive? I started reading about incredible women throughout history who impacted their worlds for the Kingdom of God.

 I started studying the women in the Bible who excelled in ministry and the way Jesus Himself brought women forward, even to the point of asking a woman to be the first to tell the disciples about HIs resurrection. What if my own daughters, nieces,  and their friends were told they could only fly so high because they are women? As I looked around the birthday celebration table, I was in awe of the group that was gathered. Strong, inspiring, committed, loving women who are breathing life into this world with full freedom and joy. From lawyers, to stay at home moms, they are thriving! Many of them gave Vali credit for encouraging them along the way to do what they feel called to do without fear. It was a special night.

Leaving the staff, the church, the ‘family’ that I had been a part of for close to 30 years was very painful and lonely. I have a few scars from trying to break through that glass ceiling. It still stings at times. But, looking around the room that night and seeing the joy on the faces of the next generation as they love God and walk out their path gave me a sense of peace and confirmation that the way I chose to follow was the right one for me and mine. 

What does BRAVE look like to you?

When you think of bravery, what images come to mind?

I was recently asked this question from the host of the She Walks Brave podcast. Think about that question. It’s a great question! What comes to your mind?

First, I had to define for myself what bravery is. Here is what I came up with. Not very catchy, but true for me: 

Bravery is stepping into what’s uncomfortable for the right reasons

Told you it wasn’t catchy. 

We’re in a time where lives are curated and promoted in all sorts of ways. We admire those who do impressive, brave acts, like writing a book, moving across the world, or starting some amazing work for justice. And, we should celebrate these. But, this question caught my attention: what images come to mind?

For me, the bravest steps have been those taken in the dark. Deciding to quit a job that was no longer a good fit for me. Making an appointment with a therapist. Caring for a sick mom, and aging father. Exploring ways of engaging with God outside my tradition. 

But when I think of images, along with the big wins as mentioned above, I think of my brother and sister in law who are navigating the scary path of a degenerative, incurable disease, with their three sons. I think of my sister in law who goes every month for follow up blood tests to see where her cancer markers are. I think of my friends who are trying to move away from lives lived in the gang culture with so much working against them. I think of friends who are living single after decades of marriage and learning to live life alone with all its challenges. I picture my friends who are struggling with mental illness, or living with someone who does, and how much courage it takes to get out of bed each day. My single friends who shows up again and again to a church full of couples and kids. And, my friend who is walking through postpartum depression bravely nursing a fussy baby. I could go on and on. Brave, brave people who will never post a meme of their lives.

I think of my adult kids who are asking hard questions about faith, immigration, politics, sexuality, parenting, etc. And, I think of how much courage it takes for my husband and I to sit at the table with them and grapple all the topics without judgment or alienation. Sometimes it’s brave to simply say, “I don’t know.”

Most of the steps I’ve taken into the uncomfortable have been small steps in comparison to what others face. But, each step leads to greater strength and compels me to live more authentically as the woman God designed me to be. And, big bonus, these brave steps draw me closer to God.

In 2012, I was certified as a Spiritual Director. Spiritual Direction is an unknown practice in the churches I grew up in. Some friends questioned my path and were concerned for me. Learning to use my voice and speak up for what I believe, is brave. Standing up for equality of women in the church was an uncomfortable step that many don’t agree with. I have had to accept that and be brave enough to not let their opinion silence me, or to interpret their disagreement as a personal rejection.

My husband and I have had some pretty big waves crash on our shore. And we, one step at at time, (or maybe one stumble at a time),  bravely stepped into forgiveness, reconstruction, and deep personal work to grow stronger and truer in our marriage. 

Yes, I’ve done some bigger, flashier things in my life, but I’m convinced now that the daily steps of bravery into the uncomfortable for the right reasons are the bravest steps of all. So think about it. What images come to your mind? What steps from your own life? Not leaps, but steps. I’d love to hear.