Perhaps it's Time to Listen

“You couldn’t handle it.” These are the sobering words my African American friend responded with when I asked if we could get together early on in the Black Lives Matter movement. There had been another shooting and anger was like a spewing volcano ready to blow. 

“I just want to hear your heart,” I replied. Again she answered, “you couldn’t handle it,” ending the conversation abruptly. Why did she perceive me that way? This question hasn't left me.

I can remember a time when I was pretty sure about what everybody should be doing, how they should do it, and what their opinion and attitude should be. You guessed it, the same as mine. I still have to battle this lie.

I’m slowly realizing how much I do not know. My little bubble in the world is tiny. It’s white. And, it’s privileged. I have no idea what it’s like to live one moment in the life of:

• A single mom on welfare
• A person of color
• One addicted to anything besides sugar (and that’s dang hard to beat!)
• One from any religion other than Christian
• One who has lived or grew up in the foster system or lost their kids to it
• One in the LGBTQI community 
• One who lives with chronic pain; or one without good medical care (or medical care at all)
• One born in poverty
• Anyone who lives anywhere that I have never lived; across the world, or across the tracks
• Being truly hungry 

I’m stopping at 10. I could go on and on. I have a running list in my journal. 

What am I saying? Are we not to speak the truth in love to these ‘others’? You have to answer what that means for you. But, for me, the answer is no and yes and maybe. 

The questions that dig at me are: 
How can I speak the truth in love to someone I don’t know? 
How do I speak truth to someone I don’t love? 
How can I love someone if I’ve never listened to their story? 
What bread can I possibly share if I’ve never tasted their pain? Or at least listened to them describe it?

I recently was given a you should statement by a well intentioned friend in regards to a parenting matter around our adopted, orphaned son. Let me just say it didn’t help, the advice was  about as useful as a burned out lightbulb silencing me quickly. But, hey now, I do the same thing! I want to move away from the hard, tender, vulnerable conversation and offer a pretty package that doesn’t make me uncomfortable (usually the package is black and white). I may even slap a Bible verse on it. I want to give the quick advice and move on. I’ve realized  I’m really good at being a burned out lightbulb. I think I miss the cue again and again when I’ve been invited into a vulnerable conversation where I simply need to shut up and listen, giving sacred space for the other to be heard and understood.   A lightbulb lights up a room and makes us feel safe to move around. A dark space paralyzes us.

Sometimes I look at Jesus in my minds eye and whisper, “how did I miss this?” Jesus came. JESUS came. Jesus CAME and made his home with us. He entered our space. He listened to our stories. Eugene Peterson put it this way, “He moved into the neighborhood.” He heard our truth and gave us grace. He was the truth and showed us love. He didn’t shout down from heaven telling us what we need to do to be saved. He visited us. He is Light and the hurting felt safe. He showed us how to save. His life showed us the gospel. And then, in case we missed it, He described it clearly in Matthew 25:

• Feed the hungry
• Visit the sick
• Take care of the poor
• Clothe the naked
• Visit the prisoner
• Welcome children
• Give water
• Embrace the stranger
• Love your enemies
• Bless those who hurt you

These are not easy words to live out, but this kingdom lifestyle proves we belong to Jesus. Not only that, when we refuse to live this way of loving others, we are refusing the Lord Himself. This is the way we follow Jesus as He invited us to. And, He promises this is the path of abundance and joy.

In 2007 my husband and I spent a year in the DRCongo, one of the most corrupt, war torn countries in the world. I went with a suitcase full of solutions and ideas. My ideas all failed. I was on a mission to fix what was wrong. Maybe I’ll write more about that in future posts, but I learned the lesson of my life in the middle of that lonely, confusing year. However you phrase it: God spoke to me, impressed upon me, or guided me in my thoughts; I clearly heard this message:

I didn’t bring you here to fix anyone. I brought you here to love.

What a relief. Sometimes Loving involves words, sometimes action, often both. But, it always begins with showing up.

For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him. John 3:16

Love never fails.

Two phrases I’m trying to intentionally incorporate into conversations with whomever I have the privilege of learning from (which is everyone!): 

“What else?” 

“Tell me more.”

And then breathe a prayer of gratitude for those mentoring moments, asking the Spirit to help me be quick to listen and slow to speak and overflowing with Love.

Thanks for listening. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Do you LIKE me?

Do you LIKE me?
What if there was no LIKE button?

Would we still post our pictures? Our pithy phrases? Share our opinions or funny memes? Write blogs? Or, share articles?

What’s underneath why we do what we do?

Everyone has an opinion about social media platforms. Some love them and freely express anything and everything. Some never post, comment on, like or unlike anything, but secretly spy on those who do. Some dip in and out, going on and off for all kinds of reasons. Some use it to express anger and hate and divisive views on everything from breastfeeding to refugees. Some use it for campaigning their work or cause. Some avoid it completely.

Whether we like it or not, it’s here and it has impact. I don’t bring this up to deliniate the pros and cons of social media. I bring it up because I’ve been contemplating what’s underneath it all and asking myself: what are we hoping to gain when we engage with it? Probably because I’m putting myself out there more as I revive this old blog. I’m questioning myself .

Is our need for affirmation a selfish thing? Is our need to be seen, known, heard and respected wrong? 

Do you like me?

[I know some of you are hearing Sally Field in your head right now gushing, "you like me! You really like me!" But, seriously, has there ever been a more honest acceptance speech?]

Remember when social media didn’t exist? It wasn’t that long ago. Back in “those days” (sorry kids), you only knew what was going on with someone when you actually saw them, or talked to them on the phone. Listening to tone, seeing facial expressions, and hearing why people were feeling the way they do. Responding with an audible voice, you'd share your perspective in the context of the relationship. And, it didn’t happen with that many people. Relatively few when you think about it. Our vulnerability was reserved for a select few. This still happens, but you have to admit it's a fading experience in our current smart phone culture. Trying to discern tone in a text can be tricky (and dangerous).

Back to my question. What if there was no LIKE button? I think engagement in social media is screaming out what our hearts have always longed for. To be seen. To be heard. And, to be affirmed. To know we’re loved and accepted and that we’re being cheered on as we navigate this bumpy path of life. God designed us to be that voice of encouragement in each other’s lives. Several passages in Scripture tell us to build each other up, use wholesome, edifying words, to encourage* one another, and to walk alongside those who are weak or hurting or wandering. We see that we’re all in process and there is grace for each step, as tense and messy as it may be.

Read the account of almost any Bible character and you will see this transforming process come to life! I guarantee you that if they were posting their opinions and pictures along the way, there would be many posts we would raise our eyebrows at and judge immediately. We’d probably block many of them from our feed! All of Paul’s letters encourage us to be kind, patient, tenderhearted, forgiving and bound together in love. Is there anything more affirming than that? Why did he have to keep repeating the same message? Because we’re not good at doing this. It’s so much easier to criticize and judge. Jesus summed it up in one sentence, “do to others as you would like them to do to you.” As my hubby would say: "BOOM!" Yes, Jesus is the Source of Love, but we are the embodiment of love for each other.

I confess, I need affirmation. I need people in my life that believe in me no matter what. I have a LIKE button that needs positive responses. When people choose to follow me on this blog, it encourages me to keep writing. If I make a brave decision, even if you wouldn't make the same, I need to know you're still for me. I need those voices in my life. And, I think you do too, no matter how thick your skin has become. 

I've decided if I am not close enough to you to have a real conversation, I won't voice an opinion that could hurt you from my keyboard (or from a microphone, or behind a pulpit). Golden rule rules! And, here's a tip, if you just can't help yourself, you can hide or unfollow anyone at anytime. Step away and take some time to do what Jesus said to do: Pray they would be blessed. If I were engaging with you as a spiritual director, and you explained the angst you feel around following some people on line, I would sincerely ask you, "why are choosing to still follow him/her?"

I can tell my self all day long that other peoples opinions of me don't matter, and there's some truth in that. But, whether I'm affirmed or not does. My soul needs true companions just like Jesus' did. Through thick and thin. It's humbling to confess that need, but I do.

Whether we engage in social media or not, or if we agree with one another or not, I pray we can accept and encourage one another with God's help. 

Romans 15:7 says, 

 Accept each other just as Christ has accepted you so that God will be given glory.

 I have fallen short of this instruction far too many times. When I think deeply about how Christ accepted me, I am humbled and grateful. Unconditional, complete acceptance. The more I let that soak into my soul, the easier it becomes to authentically accept others. I pray that this incredible grace overflows from me bringing God glory.

Can we look for ways to press the LIKE button for each other in new, creative, authentic ways? Don't hesitate to affirm someone today. Maybe even someone you wouldn't normally encourage.

What affirms you?  Share this post with someone you'd like to affirm, or be encouraged by. Are you wanting to make a change? Do something brave? Let's cheer one another on. We have enough in life trying to tear us apart. 

*encourage in the New Testament is a verb (parakaleo) and it means to call to one's side (to call near); to comfort; to exhort and admonish or affirm.