Forty and Flying Free!

Celebrating life being different for our daughters at 40 than it was for many of us.

My oldest daughter turned 40 this week. At one point in the celebration, her closest friends and sisters were sharing what she meant to each one of them and what an impact she has had in their lives. While I listened to them share story after story of how she has used her God given gifts to bless each one of them, my heart was full. In that same moment, I flashed back to my own journey and I was surprised at what came to the surface unexpectedly. 

My two daughters and daughter in law were all sitting next to each other around the beautifully set table. I looked at them and thought, “wow. They are all thriving in their work life and home life. They are where they’re supposed to be and there is no glass ceiling holding them back.” Then, I flashed to the clear memory I hold  from years ago, when I was in an organization that stifled women and restricted their gifts and pay. My girls were in their early teen years when I started realizing that they were strong, gifted women. I realized that in the work I did they would not be able to go and grow as far they could and give to the world all that God had created them to give. 

I had never been a feminist, in fact I ignorantly judged what the original intent of feminism even was. I started having unwelcome thoughts about equal pay for equal work. I was leading a large ministry of women working over 40 hours per week. I was making less than half of the men on our staff who worked the same. Yes, some had more education (but less experience); but not all. This was not a battle I wanted to enter and I avoided it for a long time. But, the injustice of it wouldn’t leave me alone as I looked at my daughters and wondered how this looked to them. How this example would help or hinder their futures. 

I wasn’t angry, I was scared. I hate conflict and I truly loved what I did and received a lot of affirmation in it. But, it finally came to the point where I knew I needed to approach the board and express my thoughts. As I entered the board room of twelve men (mostly 10+ years older than me at the time), I was very nervous. I prepared my concerns thoughtfully and simply read it to them. I can’t remember it all, but two things stand out which I brought up for discussion that evening. 

I asked two simple questions of them:

1. Is what I am doing in alignment with what you believe a woman should be doing?

2. Would any of you do what I do for what I am getting paid?

I was functioning like a pastor (counseling, teaching, shepherding etc.) in an organization that believed women can’t have that role. Although I didn’t hold the title, I held the responsibilities. I outlined for them what I typically did in a week. They actually told me I ‘function like a pastor.’ 

It was silent for several moments, and then one leader asked, “Grace, are you asking about equal pay for equal work?”  I slowly responded, “I guess I am.”

More silence, and then the leader of the team who I love and respect greatly, turned to me and gently asked, “Grace, do you associate how much we pay you with how much we appreciate you?” I looked at him and quietly asked, “do you?”

There is a lot more to this story, but that was the beginning of the end for me there. I started studying Scripture and reading interpretations outside of the stream I was entrenched in. My eyes and heart were opened to consider other very valid views and the emotions I was feeling were valid. I started having thoughts like, “what if my sister in law (who has saved countless lives around the world), was told she could’t be a doctor because she is a woman? What if my cousin who is an amazing teacher was told she couldn’t teach? What if Corrie Ten Boom (one of my heroes) was told she couldn’t teach men and women about the Biblical call to forgive? I started reading about incredible women throughout history who impacted their worlds for the Kingdom of God.

 I started studying the women in the Bible who excelled in ministry and the way Jesus Himself brought women forward, even to the point of asking a woman to be the first to tell the disciples about HIs resurrection. What if my own daughters, nieces,  and their friends were told they could only fly so high because they are women? As I looked around the birthday celebration table, I was in awe of the group that was gathered. Strong, inspiring, committed, loving women who are breathing life into this world with full freedom and joy. From lawyers, to stay at home moms, they are thriving! Many of them gave Vali credit for encouraging them along the way to do what they feel called to do without fear. It was a special night.

Leaving the staff, the church, the ‘family’ that I had been a part of for close to 30 years was very painful and lonely. I have a few scars from trying to break through that glass ceiling. It still stings at times. But, looking around the room that night and seeing the joy on the faces of the next generation as they love God and walk out their path gave me a sense of peace and confirmation that the way I chose to follow was the right one for me and mine. 

Hush Harbor

Do you need to enter your own hush harbor? I sure do!

Do you ever read something and it jumps right off the page? Something that captures your imagination and your curiosity? Something that resonates with a longing of your own and you want to drink in all it’s offering? C.S. Lewis wrote that “we read to know we’re not alone.” Isn’t that true?

I just read a story* that is continuing to captivate my mind. A story that connects no where in my life yet offers an image I will hold on to. It is an account of slaves in the deep south during the mid 1800’s. It illustrates how they experienced God with them by anchoring themselves in Hope. 

Every Sunday they were forced to go to church to hear the same preaching over and over again:  “obey your masters and do not  lie or steal!” There would be an overseer to make sure the preacher said what the master wanted his slaves to hear and obey. 

How did they keep their hope alive? Where did all those powerful spirituals come from if that was their church? How did hope anchor them when their daily lives were lived in severe oppression? How were they able to grow in this hope without the luxury of Bible Study and grounded teaching? Or beautifully crafted worship songs or hymns?

It was not uncommon for slaves to sneak into the woods, or thickets, or swamps at night. A place where they could freely express their soul desire to connect with God. To cry out for freedom and receive assurance of His presence with them. Huddling together, speaking in hushed tones, they would have their own worship service with a whispered sermon and singing. This time/place was called HUSH HARBOR. In this harbor, they were assured that God was with them. God was with them in the undefined spaces. God is with us in ours. 

Hush harbors gave the slaves a place to cultivate hope as they waited for deliverance. One slave, named Jacob, explains that he made it a habit (practice) to stop three times a day, rest quietly, and enter his own hush harbor to recenter himself with God. His own invisible refuge. A place to remember that hope lies in the unseen (Hebrews 11:1).At great risk, Jacob would literally fall on his knees three times a day and pray. One day his cruel master named Saunders, pointed a gun to his head and told him to get back to work and stop praying. Jacob finished his prayer and invited Saunders to pull the trigger. “Your loss will be my gain…the body belongs to you, but my soul belongs to Jesus.” Saunders was so shaken by Jacob’s strength he never bothered him again. 

Jacob experienced the hope of God in the midst of hopeless and extremely vulnerable circumstances. Hebrews 6:18 says, “we who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us. This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God’s inner sanctuary.” 

Listen to the experiential language here:

 Fled. Great confidence. Hold to the hope. Strong. Trustworthy anchor. 

Because Jacob had fled to Refuge again and again, he experienced great confidence as he held to the hope laid before him. He didn't have to decide what to do in that moment, he honestly responded from his heart.

Great confidence is not something we decide to have. It’s not an outcome of the right information or a sanguine personality. It is a fruit of belonging to Jesus. It’s cultivated through hush harbors of our own. Times when we intentionally engage in the Presence of God and experience the Trinity beyond words. Hope is a product of relationship. An outcome of dwelling in God our refuge (Jesus called it abiding). A few intentional moments throughout the day when we aren’t telling God what to do, but mindfully drawing near to our closest Friend. Touch points that ground our souls with hope as our anchor.  Jacob’s strong anchor held him steady in that moment because his soul was nourished in the inner sanctuary of God. Refuge. 

These focused moments of rest from whatever’s happening around us and inside of us give us opportunity to give thanks and to celebrate God’s grace throughout the day. They also anchor us when we are exhausted, scared, crushed, despairing, or confused. When we’re out of answers and out of words. When we’re out of suggestions for how it should go. When we’re vulnerable. At this very edge, we’re invited to go beyond the curtain (what we can see)  and into the presence of God. The inner sanctuary. Fleeing to our Refuge. Our own hush harbor. There's no right or wrong way to enter. Hope leads us. We come as refugees in whatever shape we're in.

Breath prayer** is one practice that helps me pull into the shore of my hush harbor and re-center my soul throughout the day (and often in the night). Whether it’s a day full of little waves or a time of great turbulence, we  always have access to this safe harbor because Jesus welcomes us there. What helps you anchor in? Do you need to enter and rest in Hush Harbor? Will you let hope lead you?

**You’ll find breath prayers I’ve shared posted on facebook and instagram under gracecabalka

P.S. I don't even begin to imagine I can relate to anything the slaves endured. I just know I often feel overwhelmed by life and overcrowded by noise and stress. I need to practice rest and this story gives such a beautiful testimony of hush harbor. Can you relate? Thanks so much for reading today!

1. *with by Skye Jethani, pgs.153-155