Forty and Flying Free!

Celebrating life being different for our daughters at 40 than it was for many of us.

My oldest daughter turned 40 this week. At one point in the celebration, her closest friends and sisters were sharing what she meant to each one of them and what an impact she has had in their lives. While I listened to them share story after story of how she has used her God given gifts to bless each one of them, my heart was full. In that same moment, I flashed back to my own journey and I was surprised at what came to the surface unexpectedly. 

My two daughters and daughter in law were all sitting next to each other around the beautifully set table. I looked at them and thought, “wow. They are all thriving in their work life and home life. They are where they’re supposed to be and there is no glass ceiling holding them back.” Then, I flashed to the clear memory I hold  from years ago, when I was in an organization that stifled women and restricted their gifts and pay. My girls were in their early teen years when I started realizing that they were strong, gifted women. I realized that in the work I did they would not be able to go and grow as far they could and give to the world all that God had created them to give. 

I had never been a feminist, in fact I ignorantly judged what the original intent of feminism even was. I started having unwelcome thoughts about equal pay for equal work. I was leading a large ministry of women working over 40 hours per week. I was making less than half of the men on our staff who worked the same. Yes, some had more education (but less experience); but not all. This was not a battle I wanted to enter and I avoided it for a long time. But, the injustice of it wouldn’t leave me alone as I looked at my daughters and wondered how this looked to them. How this example would help or hinder their futures. 

I wasn’t angry, I was scared. I hate conflict and I truly loved what I did and received a lot of affirmation in it. But, it finally came to the point where I knew I needed to approach the board and express my thoughts. As I entered the board room of twelve men (mostly 10+ years older than me at the time), I was very nervous. I prepared my concerns thoughtfully and simply read it to them. I can’t remember it all, but two things stand out which I brought up for discussion that evening. 

I asked two simple questions of them:

1. Is what I am doing in alignment with what you believe a woman should be doing?

2. Would any of you do what I do for what I am getting paid?

I was functioning like a pastor (counseling, teaching, shepherding etc.) in an organization that believed women can’t have that role. Although I didn’t hold the title, I held the responsibilities. I outlined for them what I typically did in a week. They actually told me I ‘function like a pastor.’ 

It was silent for several moments, and then one leader asked, “Grace, are you asking about equal pay for equal work?”  I slowly responded, “I guess I am.”

More silence, and then the leader of the team who I love and respect greatly, turned to me and gently asked, “Grace, do you associate how much we pay you with how much we appreciate you?” I looked at him and quietly asked, “do you?”

There is a lot more to this story, but that was the beginning of the end for me there. I started studying Scripture and reading interpretations outside of the stream I was entrenched in. My eyes and heart were opened to consider other very valid views and the emotions I was feeling were valid. I started having thoughts like, “what if my sister in law (who has saved countless lives around the world), was told she could’t be a doctor because she is a woman? What if my cousin who is an amazing teacher was told she couldn’t teach? What if Corrie Ten Boom (one of my heroes) was told she couldn’t teach men and women about the Biblical call to forgive? I started reading about incredible women throughout history who impacted their worlds for the Kingdom of God.

 I started studying the women in the Bible who excelled in ministry and the way Jesus Himself brought women forward, even to the point of asking a woman to be the first to tell the disciples about HIs resurrection. What if my own daughters, nieces,  and their friends were told they could only fly so high because they are women? As I looked around the birthday celebration table, I was in awe of the group that was gathered. Strong, inspiring, committed, loving women who are breathing life into this world with full freedom and joy. From lawyers, to stay at home moms, they are thriving! Many of them gave Vali credit for encouraging them along the way to do what they feel called to do without fear. It was a special night.

Leaving the staff, the church, the ‘family’ that I had been a part of for close to 30 years was very painful and lonely. I have a few scars from trying to break through that glass ceiling. It still stings at times. But, looking around the room that night and seeing the joy on the faces of the next generation as they love God and walk out their path gave me a sense of peace and confirmation that the way I chose to follow was the right one for me and mine. 

What do I do with my doubts? What do you do?

I have a lot of doubts. I made a list of my doubts this morning. It wasn’t hard to come up with a list. Here are a few:

I doubt some people will ever change (including myself)

I doubt we will all come out of this ‘crisis’ still friends

I doubt there is/will be enough

I doubt our leaders know what they’re doing. I doubt anyone does. I doubt we have any control over any of this

I doubt I can get over (forgive?) some of the unkind words I’m hearing and reading

I doubt my own theories and beliefs

I doubt yours

I doubt “everything will be okay” 

Am I being too negative? I don’t think so. I went to this place because I was spending time in one of the most compelling snapshots found in Matthew (11:1-5). Here it is:

John the Baptist, who was in prison, heard about all the things the Messiah was doing. So he sent his disciples to ask Jesus, “Are you the Messiah we’ve been expecting or should we keep looking for someone else?”

Did you catch WHO is asking? JB! Jesus’ cousin. The one who baptized him and declared his identity early on. John, who knew Jesus, had doubts when he was in prison waiting to be beheaded. Picture yourself visiting John and hearing him ask that question. 

Then Jesus gives a strange answer. I would expect Jesus to say, “tell John I’m coming. Tell him I love him and will break open those prison doors soon. Tell him to not fear but just have faith.”

Here is the response from Jesus, 

“Go back to John and tell him what you have heard and seen—the blind see, the lame walk, the lepers are cured, the deaf hear, the dead are raised to life, and the Good News is being preached to the poor. And tell him, “God blesses those who do not turn away because of me.” (some translations say, “who are not offended by me”)

Go back to that place with John. It’s not looking too good for him. From what he can see with his human eye things seem hopeless. I don’t begin to compare any of my circumstances with John, but I do believe there is a gift in this story that I need to receive. Jesus is inviting John to see Him and to know who He is in spite of what isn’t happening for John in the moment. And Jesus is saying, “don’t turn your face from Me.” Jesus is not saying, stop your doubting. 

Jesus is not telling John to deny how hard it is right now. But, Jesus is handing John a promise. Jesus is offering John the blessing of God. Jesus is inviting John to not turn away but to gaze at Him. To see His unfailing love pouring out with unlimited compassion. Jesus is not turning away from John, but He is opening John’s heart to Himself. He’s inviting John to  not be offended in this uncertain time, but to turn to Him in his doubts and hear the truth. Jesus is inviting John to trust Him in his doubts. This is an incredible gift. 

Here is how I put this into practice* today.

Name the doubt; and then turn to Jesus and listen. Listen carefully. What do you hear? 

The blind will see (where do you need clarity?); the lame will walk (when do you feel paralyzed?); the sick will be cured (what do you need?); the dead will be raised (what feels hopeless to you?); there is Good News (do you hear it?) 

 John was brutally honest, and even exposed his doubt to his own disciples. He was vulnerable and Jesus met him there. Maybe you’re at a point where you can’t pretend to not have doubts. Jesus welcomes you with your doubts and He promises you the blessing of God in simply turning toward Him. 

I experienced the blessing of God this morning as I turned to Jesus with my doubts (which encapsulate my discouragement, disappointment and injury). Confessing these openly and honestly took the power away from them as I focused on Who Jesus is. I can’t explain it, but I encourage you to try it. The blessing of Immanuel (God with us) in our doubts is priceless. Expressing our doubts (fear) is not denying our faith, but it is part of a personal relationship with a living Savior. I have a choice of whether to turn toward or away. He invites me to Come with all my doubts. Gosh I love that!

I’m sure this is a *practice I will need to lean into again and again, but knowing Jesus meets me there fills me with joy. If you try this practice, I'd love to hear about it.